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Iceheart
Undertaker / Pink Star Lover
 
Australia
1149 Posts |
 Posted - 09 September 2004 : 1:50:43 PM
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To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
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To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
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Heaven bent to take my hand, and lead me thru the fire.
Be the long awaited answer, to a long and painful fight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Mazeppa
Zombie
 
USA
897 Posts |
Posted - 12 September 2004 : 03:55:11 AM
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EEEEeeeKKKkkS! Are these friends of yours, or.......??????
mazeppa
The more I know of people, the more I like my DOG! |
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Iceheart
Undertaker / Pink Star Lover
Australia
1149 Posts |
Posted - 16 September 2004 : 11:39:36 AM
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hahaha, um no.
I love the excuses from the man and the reasoning from the woman tho....
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
lmao - ahhhh funny. Screwing the sheet..........how can the texture of a sheet be mistaken for pussy?
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Heaven bent to take my hand, and lead me thru the fire.
Be the long awaited answer, to a long and painful fight.
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Mazeppa
Zombie
USA
897 Posts |
Posted - 16 September 2004 : 3:31:56 PM
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Now THAT is some funny sheet!!! Cotton or......satin???
mazeppa
The more I know of people, the more I like my DOG! |
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sohai
Lost Soul
Malaysia
27 Posts |
Posted - 21 December 2005 : 01:51:36 AM
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Screwing the sheet? Well, thats the story of the drunk man who tried to have sex with wife.
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To my dearest wife....
