| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Mazeppa |
Posted - 22 May 2004 : 09:50:22 AM
OK, this might sound as boring as watching paint dry.....but, the lawn here got way high this time of year. I have several acres, and the son of the farmer across the road had been mowing it, for a REALLY good wage, until the fateful day the valves fried out on his riding mower....Muahhhhaaha,,,,,,Now, I know that during Victorian times, no one mowed. Victorians thought a lawn with flowers, weeds, grass. growing 6 foot high, a beautiful thing, and I tend to agree totally. Then, all one was required to do was swath a path to the front door, perhaps have a few flower and vegetable beds, and you were fully accepted into the highest realms of society. But then came the fucking internal combustion engine, and all sorts of diabolical individuals coming up with ways to make them a required part of your brief exsitence on this planet. The bastards invented the petroleum operated LAWN MOWER, so now........instead of a glorious lawn filled with vibrant growth and a serious multitude of botanical wonders, we have a fucking Marine Corps buzz cut in front of our houses. This pisses me off. More so because last week, young Steven's lawn mower sucked a valve, my lawn, which if you have ever visited Pennsylvania in the Springtime, got to an appreciable 2 foot high meadow. Kind of like my hair, but that is another topic.
Working in the back on a life size statue of an earth woman, part tree part VERY sensual female, I became aware it was getting increasingly difficult to walk the 20 feet to my stockpile of metal lathe......also, the view of the creek, where I observe deer drinking water, was becoming distorted by chlorophyll bearing organisms. So this morning, I decided to MOW!
I borrowed a John Deer riding mower, devised ramps to drive it onto a trailer. Got it here, de-rsmped, OH BOY! All ready to GO I mean MOW!! Assaulting the 2 foot high lawn, I felt like Gengus Khan assaulting ancient tribesmen. Imagine attempting to cut a swath 2 and a half foot wide by 2 fucking acres with multiple trees, bushes, buildings, statues, a carr-I-aged, at about 3 miles per hour. I finaly decided that buzzing fast like a Stuka dive bomber and making multiple passes to be much more effective. I won, but I realize the grass is merely lurking, building strength for its next vicarious assault. The result? Gee, I am living on a fucking golf course, my worst nightmare come to glaring realization. No shit, I could take pictures, put them in the New York times, and have executives paying big money to stay here. Not a bad option, as clubbing them would be a pleasure.....
Is that a 9 iron in your hand or am I happy to kill you?
The REALLY weird thing about it all, is that.....ok, I am in a REALLY RURAL area of North Central Pennsylvania(Penn's Wood's, for you history buffs)surrounded by mountains, dense forest, glens, hollows..... and the funny thing is that even the LOW-LIFES, those who live in ragged out double-wide trailers and drive a rust bucket that looks like it would fall to pieces at the first KICK, consider you to be a fucking low-life if your LAWN is not cut bi-weekly. It is like a NASCAR sport around here, guys who work 60 hours a week can't fucking WAIT to make spare time to mow their LAWNS!!!! What am I missing here? Some say it is that they have so much time indoors during Winter, they can't wait to get outdoors in the Spring and Summer.....fuck that!! I don't think of "being outdoors" as riding a godamn 110 decibal fucking riding mower around a plot of ground cutting up natures bounty, "being outside." Of course, seeing the 300 pound corn-fed wives these guys have, I tend to think differently....."Can't cuddle ya tonight Martha,...Gotta mow the LAWN!!" hahahahaha uh.....Egads. I guess it is better than being in a city, and clearing crack addicts from your stoop in the morning, but.....anyone got any LAWN stories?
mazeppa |
| 10 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Iceheart |
Posted - 22 June 2004 : 3:50:06 PM
Buy a Siamese Fighter Fish and let it swim in the loo while your gone.
Buy 3.
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Heaven bent to take my hand, and lead me thru the fire.
Be the long awaited answer, to a long and painful fight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
| Mazeppa |
Posted - 16 June 2004 : 11:34:32 AM
Mighta hunted down and gawth ona them.......chalk boards squeak.
The Cryp was ugly.
r
mazeppa |
| Ascended Monkey |
Posted - 15 June 2004 : 10:18:05 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Mazeppa
Good suggestion, I might like to have a goat though, I LOVE Feta cheese....problem is when I go away, no one to take care of the critters. That is why I have no axis fishies, ni Llamas, no horsey to chase me around the yarde, no 300 pound wife......mazeppa
Cows look after themselves, many cows keep grass down,and, when you have cows, you can delve into the lost art of cow pat throwing.
Oh, BTW don't by milkers - they are work.
Even squashed frogs have feelings. (Sticky and wet.) |
| Helen Bach |
Posted - 15 June 2004 : 10:01:11 AM
when do we get to see pics of this sculpture? sounds beautiful. |
| Mazeppa |
Posted - 25 May 2004 : 3:49:21 PM
I wish you would submit a picture of thaat, Jukama, as I am growing VERY fond of thee. Fuck, this evening they mowed directly across from me, the grass was like chest level, and that tractor naught only cut it down but put it all in a neat little line to be bundled up a week from now when it is all dried out to be bundled up into huge BRICKS so the COWS can eat the shit.....Gadzooks,....and I was out there perfecting the breasts on my Earthwoman statue wondering why everything in my life seems to come complete circle continually....cursing yet blessing the irony of it all. When I had to take a leak I was on the phone with lauri the wife of my famous sculptor friend who wants me to make them a Victorian BATHROOM and as the insane coyote was howling and growling in the woods I was working on my pair of WOLVES and now I think I am going to study Howard Huges some more only I am afraid an aeroplane of antiquity might crash into my HOUSE so I think I better continue reading some good, safe, Sherlock Holmes. First I better study the dust on the floor to determine what infiltraters and their height determined by the length of STRIDE might have been here first........EGADS, Watson.....I think I better tune my Theremin oscillating coils to resemble the tone of a violin first and chill out with Behtoven's "Moonlight Sonata" first BEFORE I tune the gas valve on my AK-47 and load 5 X-tra mags.
Howard Huge's could piss on hotel room floors, hope I get to his level of comprehension soon.......
mazeppa |
| Jukama |
Posted - 25 May 2004 : 2:08:51 PM
Hey Mazeppa It's raining ..... it's actually raining!!!!! (goes mad, strips off and runs into the front yard thereby severly startling the mailman who swears off sex for life)I haven't heard rain for so long I forgot how lovely it sounds on a flat tin roof. (sits and contemplates the beauty of rain muttering "it's raining ... raining....raining.....)
**Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things** |
| Mazeppa |
Posted - 23 May 2004 : 07:03:34 AM
Good suggestion, I might like to have a goat though, I LOVE Feta cheese....problem is when I go away, no one to take care of the critters. That is why I have no axis fishies, ni Llamas, no horsey to chase me around the yarde, no 300 pound wife......It would be cheaper to buy young master Steven a new lawn mower.
I was also thinking, whilst driving this evil-e contraption about the yard, that a weird thing occurs....you focus on the grass, the machine, mowing patterns, and many memories drift through your brain whilst attempting such manouver, it is like a brainless job one has to pay a lot of attention to. I almost drove off the creek embankment while thinking of Icehearts candlelight story, for instance. The motor vibration has quite a bit of stimulation.......the smell of the fresh grass, the thought of those cumulus clouds that could break loose at any moment, and mowing over the garden ZI plowed yet decided I had no time to work.....and the constant metronome of the engine can produce a trance-like state, CAREFUL not to leave your body when the machine is running....when this happens I take my old twist derringer and pop a cap. A main focus that also helps is keeping the Pabst 16 ounce pounder firmly clenched between your legs, but the damn motor vibrates so much it turns to piss if naught drunken quickly. Also in such trance-like state obviouslu inflicted by the sonorous engine drone, like a mantra, strange thoughts occur. If Chinese paratroopers came dropping over the mountains, should they be sniped before hitting the ground or should we enjoy the hunt? If a huge land mass swells up in the Atlantic Ocean and causes a huge tidal wave should I load up the Gothmobile with supplies and rations and go and HELP or hang here and wait till they PAY for assistance? If I die tomorrow what the fuck is going to happen to my sculpture and all the molds? And worst of all, is Howard Huges really DEAD or is he flying an exotic aerocraft through the nether regionsz?
Ya, I used to think lawn mowing was boring also..........
mazeppa |
| Jukama |
Posted - 22 May 2004 : 5:22:59 PM
I once bought a goat to keep the grass down. I love trees and have a forest in my backyard so that,and the vegie patch,keeps the lawn part to a minimum (I encourage moss and ferns to grow under the trees). The goat kept the grass to a nice length and I got out of mowing. Unfortunately she also devoured half a nightgown, my English Holly and fell in love with my white German Shepherd. And no-one warned me that when nanny goats go into season they bleat non-stop all day and all night.
If I had all the land you have I'd keep a house-cow, geese and a couple of heavy horses - grass problem solved.
**Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things** |
| Mazeppa |
Posted - 22 May 2004 : 2:47:34 PM
There is lots of water here! I guess we need it to grow corn for all them 300 pound wives they grow here. I should open an automobile shock absorber store......I would naught have to do much anymore!
The rains come daily now, huge high banking black cumulus clouds sweep through the ether over the mountains, and deluge horrendous amount of wet stuff all over.....I heard Sydney was a tad dry, heard a guy say he saw two trees fighting over a dog......DON'T WATER!!!
That will make you have to MOW!!
mazeppa |
| Jukama |
Posted - 22 May 2004 : 12:43:34 PM
I for one would love a lawn at the moment - we are in a drought here in Sydney and I have a front and back dust bowl as I refuse to waste water making grass grow.
**Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things** |
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